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Member
Posts: 27
Location: Derby | If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is low down."
Edited by foggydayz 28/2/2009 10:38 PM
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Member
Posts: 27
Location: Derby | I was shopping Asda and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to £57.35" said the clerk. "How come so much .. I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
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Member
Posts: 27
Location: Derby | A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP..
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,
(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!
Edited by foggydayz 11/3/2009 11:59 PM
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New user
Posts: 4
| Hi Tracy, love the jokes but sorry to see you're all alone in here so I've found this old lady joke (I tell my sister it'll be us one day, she drives, I don't!)
Two old ladies were driving around town in a large car. Neither could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to a junction, the light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh poop, am I driving?”
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Member
Posts: 27
Location: Derby | A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Dog: "Roof!"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog: "Rough!"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog: "Ruth!"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
....... Where you left him.
Edited by foggydayz 13/3/2009 11:36 AM
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Member
Posts: 27
Location: Derby | A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
Edited by foggydayz 15/3/2009 3:03 PM
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Member
Posts: 27
Location: Derby | Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred pounds per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred pound's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten pounds."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Edited by foggydayz 18/3/2009 9:06 AM
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Member
Posts: 15
| Two aerials met on a roof...
The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant
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Member
Posts: 15
| I've just realised that joke makes no sense.
It should read...
"Two aerials MARRIED on a roof...
The ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant"
I would like to formally apologise to Tommy Cooper, Sorry!
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Nothing to do with Fibro...Just stuff to make you smile!
